How to Survive a
Garden Gnome Attack

Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (and They Will)

The Movie Image That Inspired HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK

The common question I have gotten asked since 2010 is “Where did you think up the idea for HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN ATTACK?”

The answer has always been the same — and the answer is THIS photo below. It’s an image from the 1997 comedy THE FULL MONTY. I remember just thinking about the movie one day and recalling the humorous scene with the garden gnome. Then I started to get creeped out thinking about lawn gnomes. Then I thought: Certainly if they creep me out, they must creep others out, as well. Who knows — they’re probably killing out there people right now…

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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The New “Gravity Falls” Show by Disney Features a Gnome Barfing Rainbows (WTF?)

I’m not sure about this one. It’s tough to tell as of right now whether the show “Gravity Kills” is pro- or anti-gnome. (But let’s face it. We can’t trust Disney after they release that awful whitewash of a film called GNOMEO & JULIET.) I happened to walk by a TV when a trailer for the new TV show “Gravity Kills” was on, and there was nothing much notable until they showed a clear image of a gnome puking a rainbow with all his might.

Now let’s be clear here. Gnomes do not puke rainbows. In fact, there is no evidence they puke at all. This sounds like more Disney mischief to get us to like gnomes.

Gnomes do not puke rainbows.

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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A Musical Class in Canada Actually Dresses Like Garden Gnomes

I saw on Twitter that a musical class in Canada (high school students, I think) actually dressed up like garden gnome in band class. Do you have any idea how dangerous this is — to actually taunt gnomes? Hundreds have been killed this way. We already discussed the dangers of dressing up like a gnome for Halloween. Do not do this! It’s like stepping between a momma bear and her cubs — the scenario will not end well.

"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist..."

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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Howie Mandel Terrified of Gnome Performers on “America’s Got Talent”

So … recently “America’s Got Talent” (pre-Howard Stern) was treated to an act where several dancers came out as, I kid you not, lip-syncing garden gnomes. See the picture below for proof. It’s just plain batty. The gnomes, who were no doubt concealing weapons inside those fat, bulbous costumes, were not the hit of the day. Piers Morgan trashed the act for being stupid.

More importantly, judge Howie Mandel said the following of the act: “I’m gonna be honest with you. This thing — you scare me. From the time I’ve been a little kid … I don’t really like the furry walk-around things.”

Let’s all thank Howie for his honesty and bravery in the matter!

The horror has gone mainstream.



(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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Instructional Video: How to Gnome-Proof Your Office (and Save Your Own Life)

Recently, I recorded a life-saving video about how to gnome-proof your office. Watch it below.



** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino.

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Garden Gnomes Among Items Found at HP Lovecraft’s Grave

Oh no.

Poor H.P. Lovecraft!

I just saw on The Lovecraftsman website that a small percentage of items left on HP’s graves were, in fact, gnomes.

Granted, it was just a small percentage and not some kind of small armada or gnome army. But this news is disturbing nonetheless.

Protect yourself. Keep your guns well oiled and loaded.


** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.

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GNOMEO & JULIET Must Be Stopped

This is what insanity looks like. Study it well.

Not a day passes without some kind buddy or Facebook friend telling me about this movie, have I heard of it? — it’s called Gnomeo & Juliet.

Yes, I have heard of it. And this movie must be stopped. I’m thinking possibly mass organized protests …? Too much? OK, let’s slow down a bit. How do we derail this dangerous movie? I’m open to suggestions. Yes, I said dangerous. This movie will lead kids to believe that gnomes are simply harmless backyard ornaments, when, as we all know, they are vicious mauling instruments of death and carnage. It’s all part of their vast PR campaign that began with “The Amazing Race” and that awful roaming gnome (who must die, btw).

Just check out this picture on the right here, that some poor soul saw on the subway. If you touched the poster, some gnome would probably pop out of it and cut your hand off. I’M NOT JOKING.

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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VIDEO: Utah State University Expert On Eradicating “Invasive” Garden Gnomes

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Gnome Halloween Costumes Are Out of Control!!

Our society is out of control!!

Whole families brainwashed!

Credit: tinyurl.com/2626fjj

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Gnome Attack Book Trailer Shows the Very Real Carnage of Gnomes

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An Evil Gnome (@gnomevicious) is Now on Twitter!

GNOMEVICIOUS is now on Twitter and he openly talks of his plans to dominate the world.

Well well well. It appears my nemesis, known only as GNOMEVICIOUS, is now tweeting on Twitter. While I try to educate people on the dangers of garden gnomes and the chaos they bring — through my own Twitter account (@chucksambuchino) — this monster of mayhem is now openly threatening people through social networking. It’s madness, I tell you, madness. Follow him if you dare.


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Gnome Attack Book Coverage & News (First Roundup)

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack got an amazing mention in the Oct. 2010 issue of Reader's Digest.

Since I first began this crusade one month ago to educate people on how garden gnomes are actually little demons from the depths of hell, I was never prepared for how large & positive a response I would get. Seriously, the response has just been overwhelming. People have connected with my message and starting to wake up and smell the gnome poison. The threat is real — and it’s here, all around us. Below you will find all the coverage of my book. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack. (If you haven’t picked up the book yet, find it here on Amazon and save your own life already.)

  • Reader’s Digest, the largest magazine in the country in terms of circulation, gave it a great mention (see pic at right). My best guess is that an RD editor was attacked in the past.
  • Ken Druse, who runs the popular gardening podcast, “Real Dirt,” interviewed me for his program. You can hear the interview and see his feature on the book here.
  • The gardening site Lavalilly did a nice feature on the book.
  • The book will be sold in Macy’s, Lowes and Urban Outfitters! I just got this news yesterday and was very excited. Every place the book is sold is one more place where the word is spread. Stop the gnomes!

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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Gnome Attack Poetry (by Wanna Newman)

I think that I shall never roam
In gardens where one finds a gnome

A hat that’s pointy, made of red
Creates in me a sense of dread

A gnome that tends to gross aggression
Can cause me trauma and depression

A gnome whose crabby, cross and piquey
Can really damage my physiquey

A gnome that travels with an ax
Instills the fear of sneak attacks

Though gnomes in gardens may be found
I don’t think I’ll stick around

I just prefer to read a tome
About the wanderings of a gnome

Sincerely,
Wanna Newman

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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Montana Police Finds 10 “Stolen” Gnomes Lurking on Popular Hiking Trail

Multiple gnomes constitute a "hoard." Some defense techniques to combat multiple gnomes include: 1) using furniture as a shield, 2) using dead gnomes as projectiles, and 3) using the best weapons, including snow shovels or a hose

Here’s some disturbing news out of Big Sky Country. Park officials have reported that they came across 10 unclaimed and highly dangerous gnomes prowling around a Mount Helen path. (See an Associated Press article about it here.)

There are all kind of bad things regarding this. As I discuss at length in How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, multiple gnomes constitutes a “hoard,” and a hoard is much harder to repel or fight than, say, a single warrior. The gnomes are thought to be stolen from a garden, but doesn’t it strike you as odd that no residents have claimed yet? Methinks they are rogue warriors who had a plan to dismember a few hikers, but they were discovered by law enforcement just in time.

This just goes to show you that you can never be too careful. Even when hiking with family members, gnome attacks lurk around every corner.

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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Mold Removal Product Acknowledges Extreme Creepiness of Gnomes

Creepy indeed.

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Garden Gnome Date Rape is No Joke

Self-explanatory.

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Holden Arboretum in Ohio Puts Out Mass Call For Huge Painted Gnomes — Obviously Some Attempt at Mass Genocide in Midwest

This is what looming genocide looks like, Ohio.

The Holden Arboretum in Northeast Ohio has put out a call (in broad daylight mind you!) for artists who wish to be commissioned to paint huge garden gnomes. The finished gnomes will ravage adorn the arboretum, it appears. There is more information on the flier on the right, but you can see the madness is about to begin as artists can submit applications any second now.

Someone needs to contact the Ohio Attorney General’s office (I would but they stopped taking my calls long ago) and tell them that mass genocide is about to hit the northeastern counties the likes of which the Buckeye State has not seen since “The Toledo Gnome Massacre of 1908″ (pictures unavailable).

Can you just imagine opening day of this exhibit in summer 2011 when all those sweet people and children are walking about, admiring the giant creations. A doe-eyed young girl will say, “Mommy, I love garden gnomes!” And then, with a giant swing of his giant hand, a 12-foot gnome will crush the young girl to smithereens. “For hours,” the press would later say, “the giant gnomes terrorized the countryside and killed everyone in sight.” But these people were warned. They were warned.

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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Close Encounters of the Gnome Kind

I began thinking about the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind recently, and got to thinking about a new system should be created of close encounters with gnomes. So I took the liberty of composing said list for public consumption. Here it is:

LEVELS OF GARDEN GNOME “CLOSE ENCOUNTERS”



An indoor close encounter of the third kind would look like this just before you are maimed.

The First Kind

Observation of gnome evidence or shenanigans, such as footprints in the mud, frightened animals, or moved wheelbarrows. Typical evidence indoors includes the smell of pipe smoke or observation of gnome whiskers (hair from a beard).

The Second Kind

Sighting of an animate gnome. This means you’ve seen a gnome in motion — actually walking around. They know better then to move when humans are watching, so you likely surprised them.

The Third Kind

Combat.

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit chucksambuchino.com.)

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City in Wyoming to Auction Off Gnomes, Trying to Kill Its Residents

Sorry, Wyoming...

Get a load of THIS:

The city of Gillette, WY is the latest city to go bat-**** crazy. This city is auctioning off more than one hundred garden gnomes in some thinly veiled attempt of eradicating the entire county of living residents. (See the whole story here.)

Instead of auctioning them off as harmless gifts, may I suggest auctioning off an opportunity to detonate them one by one with C4 or some other high-powered explosive.

Now THAT I would pay to see.

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15-Foot Gnome in Iowa is Latest Sign of Coming Apocalypse

Photo credit D. Shultz: http://tinyurl.com/24qbctz


Dear sweet mother, get ready to poop your pants when you read about this. The fantastic state of Iowa no
w has something to be known for besides politics. It will now live in infamy as the state to provide the tallest murdering garden gnome on the planet. Standing at 15 feet tall, this thing is a wrecking ball of maiming and death, just waiting for the opportune moment to become animate and crush little human children under its fat stone feet.

See an article about this in the Ames Tribune here.
See video through a local television state here.

Mark my words, Iowa detectives: When the locals mysterious start turning up as crushed people jam, you do not have to open a case file or call in the Feds. May I suggest evacuating a 30-mile area around this abomination and sending in some phalanx missiles or something–then pray to dear God that when the smoke clears, the assault actually killed the gnome. Or else he is going to get up like at the end of The Terminator, and he is going to be pissed.

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This Site Will Save Your Life

Welcome to the official site and blog for HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK, a survival guide that will save not only your life, but the lives of your children and loved ones. Congratulations on taking this important step toward safety and a gnome-free life.

In 2009 alone, there were 987 attacks recorded by the Gnome Attacks Hotline based out of Berlin, Germany. Don’t bother asking your local authorities about these attack–they can’t corral the data like we can. The fact is that if the public knew about how many gnomeowners are mauled and attacked each year by their own statues, the public would erupt into mass chaos.


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