Instructional Video: How to Gnome-Proof Your Office (and Save Your Own Life)
Recently, I recorded a life-saving video about how to gnome-proof your office. Watch it below.
Garden Gnomes Among Items Found at HP Lovecraft’s Grave
Oh no.
Poor H.P. Lovecraft!
I just saw on The Lovecraftsman website that a small percentage of items left on HP’s graves were, in fact, gnomes.
Granted, it was just a small percentage and not some kind of small armada or gnome army. But this news is disturbing nonetheless.
Protect yourself. Keep your guns well oiled and loaded.
GNOMEO & JULIET Must Be Stopped
This is what insanity looks like. Study it well.
Not a day passes without some kind buddy or Facebook friend telling me about this movie, have I heard of it? — it’s called Gnomeo & Juliet.
Yes, I have heard of it. And this movie must be stopped. I’m thinking possibly mass organized protests …? Too much? OK, let’s slow down a bit. How do we derail this dangerous movie? I’m open to suggestions. Yes, I said dangerous. This movie will lead kids to believe that gnomes are simply harmless backyard ornaments, when, as we all know, they are vicious mauling instruments of death and carnage. It’s all part of their vast PR campaign that began with “The Amazing Race” and that awful roaming gnome (who must die, btw).
Just check out this picture on the right here, that some poor soul saw on the subway. If you touched the poster, some gnome would probably pop out of it and cut your hand off. I’M NOT JOKING.
Gnome Halloween Costumes Are Out of Control!!
Our society is out of control!!
Whole families brainwashed!
Credit: tinyurl.com/2626fjj
An Evil Gnome (@gnomevicious) is Now on Twitter!
GNOMEVICIOUS is now on Twitter and he openly talks of his plans to dominate the world.
Well well well. It appears my nemesis, known only as GNOMEVICIOUS, is now tweeting on Twitter. While I try to educate people on the dangers of garden gnomes and the chaos they bring — through my own Twitter account (@chucksambuchino) — this monster of mayhem is now openly threatening people through social networking. It’s madness, I tell you, madness. Follow him if you dare.
Gnome Attack Book Coverage & News (First Roundup)
How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack got an amazing mention in the Oct. 2010 issue of Reader's Digest.
Since I first began this crusade one month ago to educate people on how garden gnomes are actually little demons from the depths of hell, I was never prepared for how large & positive a response I would get. Seriously, the response has just been overwhelming. People have connected with my message and starting to wake up and smell the gnome poison. The threat is real — and it’s here, all around us. Below you will find all the coverage of my book. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack. (If you haven’t picked up the book yet, find it here on Amazon and save your own life already.)
- Reader’s Digest, the largest magazine in the country in terms of circulation, gave it a great mention (see pic at right). My best guess is that an RD editor was attacked in the past.
- Ken Druse, who runs the popular gardening podcast, “Real Dirt,” interviewed me for his program. You can hear the interview and see his feature on the book here.
- The gardening site Lavalilly did a nice feature on the book.
- The book will be sold in Macy’s, Lowes and Urban Outfitters! I just got this news yesterday and was very excited. Every place the book is sold is one more place where the word is spread. Stop the gnomes!
Gnome Attack Poetry (by Wanna Newman)
I think that I shall never roam
In gardens where one finds a gnome
A hat that’s pointy, made of red
Creates in me a sense of dread
A gnome that tends to gross aggression
Can cause me trauma and depression
A gnome whose crabby, cross and piquey
Can really damage my physiquey
A gnome that travels with an ax
Instills the fear of sneak attacks
Though gnomes in gardens may be found
I don’t think I’ll stick around
I just prefer to read a tome
About the wanderings of a gnome
Sincerely,
Wanna Newman
Montana Police Finds 10 “Stolen” Gnomes Lurking on Popular Hiking Trail
Multiple gnomes constitute a "hoard." Some defense techniques to combat multiple gnomes include: 1) using furniture as a shield, 2) using dead gnomes as projectiles, and 3) using the best weapons, including snow shovels or a hose
Here’s some disturbing news out of Big Sky Country. Park officials have reported that they came across 10 unclaimed and highly dangerous gnomes prowling around a Mount Helen path. (See an Associated Press article about it here.)
There are all kind of bad things regarding this. As I discuss at length in How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, multiple gnomes constitutes a “hoard,” and a hoard is much harder to repel or fight than, say, a single warrior. The gnomes are thought to be stolen from a garden, but doesn’t it strike you as odd that no residents have claimed yet? Methinks they are rogue warriors who had a plan to dismember a few hikers, but they were discovered by law enforcement just in time.
This just goes to show you that you can never be too careful. Even when hiking with family members, gnome attacks lurk around every corner.