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Holden Arboretum in Ohio Puts Out Mass Call For Huge Painted Gnomes — Obviously Some Attempt at Mass Genocide in Midwest

This is what looming genocide looks like, Ohio.

The Holden Arboretum in Northeast Ohio has put out a call (in broad daylight mind you!) for artists who wish to be commissioned to paint huge garden gnomes. The finished gnomes will ravage adorn the arboretum, it appears. There is more information on the flier on the right, but you can see the madness is about to begin as artists can submit applications any second now.

Someone needs to contact the Ohio Attorney General’s office (I would but they stopped taking my calls long ago) and tell them that mass genocide is about to hit the northeastern counties the likes of which the Buckeye State has not seen since “The Toledo Gnome Massacre of 1908″ (pictures unavailable).

Can you just imagine opening day of this exhibit in summer 2011 when all those sweet people and children are walking about, admiring the giant creations. A doe-eyed young girl will say, “Mommy, I love garden gnomes!” And then, with a giant swing of his giant hand, a 12-foot gnome will crush the young girl to smithereens. “For hours,” the press would later say, “the giant gnomes terrorized the countryside and killed everyone in sight.” But these people were warned. They were warned.

(** Never leave comments on this blog. It gets way too much spam — and that’s what the gnomes want!. To communicate with me, find me on Facebook or on Twitter at @chucksambuchino. To learn about me, my books, or my writing/editing business, visit

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