How to Survive a
Garden Gnome Attack

Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (and They Will)

This Site Will Save Your Life

Welcome to the official site and blog for HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK, a survival guide that will save not only your life, but the lives of your children and loved ones. Congratulations on taking this important step toward safety and a gnome-free life.

In 2009 alone, there were 987 attacks recorded by the Gnome Attacks Hotline based out of Berlin, Germany. Don’t bother asking your local authorities about these attack–they can’t corral the data like we can. The fact is that if the public knew about how many gnomeowners are mauled and attacked each year by their own statues, the public would erupt into mass chaos.


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2 comments

2 Replies

  1. Gnome Romeo Sep 8th 2010

    Don’t rest. We are coming to get you. Hide if you must, but right now we are mobilizing ground forces and organizing an aerial attack. We have loaded up with hundreds of thousands of purloined cement snails and butterflies from your gardens. Why, do you ask? We have gone quite mad. Mad? You may well wonder. It’s because of WIND CHIMES. You have destroyed the peace of our very existence with an incessant bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, you get the picture. Remove them at once, or suffer the consequences.

  2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfMEsjDS1KU
    Just threw this together from another little short I had made.


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