10 TIPS THAT WILL
SAVE YOUR LIFE
1. Practice exiting from a first-story window: You may need to jump out when hunted by a hoard of gnomes.
2. Memorize room layouts: Those
little bastards will cut the power during
3. Keep a weapon in every room: So
that every location provides you a fighting
chance at survival.
4. Practice rising from bed in
attack mode: Use one hand to reach for
an illumination source (a flashlight) and
the other to reach for a weapon.
5. Keep floors clear: The last thing you
want is to be making a clean escape only
to trip on Fido’s chew-toy.
6. Have a second bicycle: Garden
gnomes always disable your car and
bicycle before their large nighttime
attack. You’ll need a second bike
7. Don’t yell “Help”: Instead, yell
“Call the Police.”
8. Install a panic button: Dialing
9-1-1 requires three pushes of a button
and then a rationale explanation to the
person on the other end of the line. A
panic button requires a single press.
9. Dress in layers. A gnome blade or arrow has a harder time penetrating through several layers of clothes.
10. Memorize Morse code for SOS: You may need to bang out an emergency distress call on the water piping of your house to alert other family members!