How to Survive a
Garden Gnome Attack

Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (and They Will)

Survival Techniques



1. Practice exiting from a first-story window: You may need to jump out when hunted by a hoard of gnomes.

2. Memorize room layouts: Those
little bastards will cut the power during
an assault.

3. Keep a weapon in every room: So
that every location provides you a fighting
chance at survival.

4. Practice rising from bed in
attack mode
: Use one hand to reach for
an illumination source (a flashlight) and
the other to reach for a weapon.

5. Keep floors clear: The last thing you
want is to be making a clean escape only
to trip on Fido’s chew-toy.

6. Have a second bicycle: Garden
gnomes always disable your car and
bicycle before their large nighttime
attack. You’ll need a second bike
hidden away.

7. Don’t yell “Help”: Instead, yell
“Call the Police.”

8. Install a panic button: Dialing
9-1-1 requires three pushes of a button
and then a rationale explanation to the
person on the other end of the line. A
panic button requires a single press.

9. Dress in layers. A gnome blade or arrow has a harder time penetrating through several layers of clothes.

10. Memorize Morse code for SOS: You may need to bang out an emergency distress call on the water piping of your house to alert other family members!

8 Replies

  1. dedbob Sep 8th 2010

    I recommend having a blunt instrument handy at all times.
    A Sibling, for example.

  2. Albert Sep 8th 2010

    Never and i mean NEVER look a Gnome in the eyes. It only provokes and infuriates these killer figurines.

  3. I’m a gnome

  4. bluestarlit Sep 9th 2010

    Thannk you. I will sleep better now that I know how to fight off those pesky garden gnomes

  5. Can you make a sequel with techniques on how to survive a gnome grunt(huge gnome), and can you add chapter on the different types of gnomes; Grunts Chieftains, Regulars etc.

  6. hawkpelt Oct 5th 2010

    U know what? My mom has five garden knomes IN THE HOUSE! God help me… theres a garden knome here call 9111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

  7. Help i'm being attakd Nov 25th 2010

    Teh gnomes are attakin me. They destroyd my garden and killed my doggeh.

  8. NITEBIRD Dec 2nd 2010

    Chuck, Thank God someone has finally recognized that behind that cheery smile is the heart of an evil dooer. I thought I was the only one in the universe who could really see them for who they are. Its amazing how easily people are fooled by their cute little outfit and small size. Every time I gain a pound, I know there’s a new one in town. I find it best to hunt them by night. I must go—Dusk is around the corner. Until the day comes that I am thin again, I will be out fighting the good fight. Hang in the, brother, we will overcome!

Leave a Reply